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World Leading Relationship Therapist: Why Your EGO is RUINING Your Relationship! | Esther Perel: summary

World Leading Relationship Therapist: Why Your EGO is RUINING Your Relationship! | Esther Perel

Jay Shetty Podcast · Jan 15, 2024 · about 92 min

Uploaded Jan 15, 2024 · 2.5M views (as of Oct 30, 2026)

Good value given

Deciding to stay or leave always involves some grief for the path you didn't take.
Intense heartbreak can feel like withdrawal, she says, involving the same brain centers as addiction.
Jay Shetty's example: he and his wife fought over when to wash the dishes because each followed their family's way.
Underneath most fights are three issues: power, trust and value.
She says control is usually a defense against fear, so look one level deeper.

Why is your ego ruining your relationship?

Perel reframes it: most fights aren't about the dishes, they're about power, trust and value. And most 'power struggles' are really fear. Usually one partner fears being abandoned and the other fears losing themselves. She says the best way to change a relationship is to change what you do, since your partner will have to respond differently.

Worth watching?Good value given. A long, rich conversation. Perel is at her best explaining what couples really fight about, though the 90 minutes wander at times.

ActionableLessons

Actionable

In your next argument, ask yourself what you're really fighting for.
Pick one behavior you'll change before asking your partner to change.
Agree with your partner on a new 'house rule' instead of defaulting to your family's.
Notice whether you fear losing them or losing yourself.

Lessons

Fights are often about needs more than chores.
Changing yourself changes the pattern.
Every big choice includes some loss.

Quick answer

Jay Shetty Podcast posted this video on Jan 15, 2024. Here's our summary in our own words: the answer to the title, a verdict, 5 takeaways, and Actionable and Lessons tabs.

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Watch on YouTube: World Leading Relationship Therapist: Why Your EGO is RUINING Your Relationship! | Esther Perel

Channel: Jay Shetty Podcast. Published Jan 15, 2024. About 92 minutes.

Her main tool is accountability: instead of listing what your partner should change, ask 'what's one thing I could do differently that would improve this?'

Quotes from the video

“it's not what you fight about it's what you fight for”
“there's no better way to change the other than to change ourselves”
“the majority of power struggles in a relationship are not power struggles”

A note on this summary

This page reports what the video says, in our own words. Quotes are copied word for word from the video's transcript. Views are as of Oct 30, 2026.

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FAQ: questions people ask

What do couples really fight about?

Perel says it's usually power, trust and value, even when the fight looks like it's about chores.

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

She says no decision feels 100% certain. Whichever you choose, expect to grieve the other path.

Is the video worth watching?

Good value given. Long but insightful.